O Come Let Us Adore Him

Adore.  A word that is a verb, which means that there is action involved.   The formal definition of the verb adore is very simple.  Adore means to love and respect - even worship someone deeply.  This week, I was reminded to take time to Adore Him.

We love Christmas time in our house.  We love remembering and praising God for sending His Son for us.  We love putting up our Christmas tree and having the house smell of pine and cinnamon.  We enjoy Christmas movies and hot chocolate.  We have wassail simmering in slow cookers  and attend tons of Christmas parties.  We enjoy winter break where we have made it a practice to be on vacation - even when we are at home.  Daddy takes off of work, and we just enjoy each other from morning until evening.    It's just a special time of year for our family.

A week or so ago, my husband shared with me how he was feeling overwhelmed by God's love to us in the gift of Jesus.  While I know and share in this feeling year round, at this particular moment, in the secret places of my heart, I had to admit that I wasn't feeling that.  In the craziness that is our everyday schedule mixed with the hustle and bustle that this time of year tends to bring, plus a battle with cluster headaches and migraines this month, I found myself feeling distant & while I wouldn't use the word "unmoved", it was close to "slightly moved".

I had a few moments of alone time one morning this week and I chose to spend them with Jesus.  Sitting in my floor reading, praying, and listening.  I began singing in my worship time alone and the song I was singing turned into "Oh, Come Let Us Adore Him...".  This was not the song that I had picked or had wanted to sing, but it was in my heart at this moment.  The Holy Spirit was speaking, calling me to spend time adoring my Savior. 

 I began to recall things that I have heard about adoration and closeness.  I considered how much I adore my husband.  Across from him in a crowded room, our eyes will meet almost as if they are drawn to each other.  When I know he is near, but away from me, I am seeking Him.  I experience this almost every Sunday morning.  Scanning a congregation until our eyes lock, and a sense of peace sets in.  There he is.  The missing part of me.  He is near and I know it because I can see him.  I considered how when we are close our breathing even matches without any effort on our parts.  It is an automatic response.  Have you noticed that?  Have you ever purposefully tried to breathe differently in that moment?  It takes effort and it is uncomfortable.

There in that moment I began to pray.  Jesus, I don't want to just say that I love you, I want to adore You.  I want this adoration to grow and grow to the point that I am uncomfortable with the thought that you are near, but I cannot see You. I want to always be seeking You.  Don't let me feel satisfied until my eyes are locked on You.   I want You to invade all of the space between us until we are so close that my heartbeat matches yours.  I want to breathe in time with You and hear from heaven... 

O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord! 

O Come Let Us Adore Him - Amanda Cook

Navigating Social Media

 I have been thinking of how we would handle our children's use of social media for some time now.    I have seen enough on social media that would cause me to just say "Maybe when you graduate."

There were a few things that I was absolutely positive of:

1.  The question wouldn't be "how old do they have to be?" for any privilege.  It would be, "are they ready for this?"

2.  "Ready" would not be defined as our children having full reign over a social media account of any type.  I believe that "Training a child up in the way that he should go..." means more than just teaching them the Bible.  There would be an unspecified training period for use of social media.

3.  Our expectations would be spelled out clearly and made available for reminders.  There would be a contract for our use of digital devices.    If you like this idea, here is a sample to give you an idea.  You can print this out for yourself, or you can create your own: Family Digital Covenant of Conduct

4.  Social Media use would be a privilege, and not a right.  There was no such thing as social media when I was growing up and I survived.  If we have to remove it for any reason - they will survive too.

Our oldest turned 13 this week.  The question of course came.  "I'm turning 13.  Can I have a Facebook & Instagram now?  What about Snapchat?"  After much consideration, we decided that we would allow her the opportunity to have an Instagram.  She would not be jumping into Facebook & Snapchat right away.  I created her an account on her ipod, and then I synced her account onto my phone.  For the time being, she is not allowed to post anything without running it past her father or I.  Any direct messages that come to her, will also send a notification on my phone.  Yep.  I'm that parent.

I know that some of you are thinking, "are you crazy?" , or "she is going to hate you. or"why didn't you just say no?"  The answer is of course yes to the first question, and  hopefully no to the second.  The answer to the third question is that yes, saying no would have been the easiest option for us, but it wouldn't prepare her for the day that she would be ready.  There is never going to be an age where I will feel that she is just "ready".  She will always need to prove to me with her character that she is ready, and prove that she can handle it. I didn't just get my drivers license when I turned 16 because I turned 16.  When I turned 15, I was given a drivers permit that allowed me to work on the skills I needed to be a safe & responsible driver.  I had to pass a written and skill test to prove that I could handle the responsibility.  Then and only then was I granted my drivers license.  I have chosen to treat social media use the same way.

There will come a day when our daughter gets to choose for herself what forms of social media she engages in, and there won't be anyone keeping a watchful eye on her.  Today is not that day.  Tomorrow won't be either.  Will it come within a year?  I doubt it, but she could surprise me. For now, we will navigate this together.

It's Time To Engage

I had such a sweet quiet time this morning.  A Facebook friend posted a line from one of the Psalms that jumped out at me, and I knew I would be singing it to Jesus. "I sing in the shadow of your wings." What a beautiful line from Psalm 63! Some versions say rejoice, but since I sing when I rejoice, I just absolutely loved this!  I ended up spending some time just meditating on all of Psalm 63 said.  

Then, I decided to scroll through Facebook.  I saw faces of people I barely know, and faces of people that I pray for everyday.  I saw posts expressing fun had last night, posts expressing joy, posts expressing pain, posts expressing desperation, and posts that made me think.  They made me think of my children.  They made me think of choices my soon to be teenager is making.  They made me think of the choices she will one day be making.

As I was thinking, I remembered one of our families favorite Disney movies;  "The Incredibles".  I quoted one of my favorite lines from the movie just the other day.  You will probably remember it...Dad has returned home from work.  The family is around the dinner table.  The children begin fighting.  Mom is trying to break up the fight, and is literally "stretched thin".  She looks at her husband and rather forcefully says, "It's time to engage, Bob!"

While scrolling though Facebook this morning, this thought consumed my mind.  If someone was attacking your child, and they could not defend themselves, what would you do?  Would you watch in horror as your prayed?  Would you get on your phone and call a friend for help?  (Yes, I realize that a call to 911 might be in order, but stick with me here...) Yes, as  a christian you would be praying, and yes, you might need help from your friends, but in the midst of an attack, I think if we were honest, we would have to say that most of us would drop whatever we were doing at the time, and do everything we possibly could to get in between that attacker and our child.  We would fight with everything we had to keep them safe.  Of course we would!  

So, then, why is it any different with a spiritual attack?

Why when we see our kids allowing themselves to see and hear things that could open themselves up for an attack, do we not step in?  Why is it that when we see our kids getting beaten down that we do not fight for them?  Why are we not teaching them about spiritual warfare?  Why are we not pointing out things in their everyday life that they may not see clearly?  Why are we not helping them think of what their choices could mean for the future?   This is a skill that our children do not have.  It has been said that their brains are not even completely developed until they are about 25 years old. We place unreal expectations on them.  We assume they can handle a decision because they want to make it. We assume that it is time for them to make their own decisions because that is what their friends are doing.  We blindly assume that they will eventually learn, and they might.  But, at what cost?

It is time to engage!  More importantly, it's time to engage their heart.  We can so easily as parents and caregivers become consumed with addressing outward behaviors without taking time to speak to their hearts.  The problem is that the heart is where it all begins.  God's Word tells us in Luke 6:45, "A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."Let's engage their hearts!  Let's teach them at home, and not assume that they could possibly get all they need from God's Word in the short amount of time that they are in church each week.  Let's take moments to sit down and help them think through choices they are making.   Let's be honest with them when we see something as a threat to them that they have not recognized.   Let's walk with them instead of watching them. Let's coach them through making the Armor of God real in their life.   Let's not stand by while the enemy is roaming the earth seeking who can devour.  He wants it to be your child.  He wants it to be my child.  He wants it to be my family.  Yes, it's time to engage.

The Meeting

I had "the" meeting Friday.  The meeting where I sit down with all of the teachers working with my son.  The meeting where I let them know that I am well aware of what his IEP (individualized education plan) says, and what the school's legal responsibilities to him are....as nicely as I know how.  That isn't sarcasm.  The old adage, "You can win more flies with honey." is completely true! 

Let me just stop at this point to leave a little message for those of you who might be new to the IEP world. If you have a child with an IEP, please, please, PLEASE, make sure that you not only know what it says, but understand it.  Don't be afraid to ask someone for help if you need to.  I know I have had to.  Know exactly what each piece will look like in his day.  I usually say something like,  "I understand that my son's IEP gives him sensory breaks throughout his day.  Can you tell me what this will look like this year?" I focus on this, because my son is a completely different student if he has these breaks.   I'm gaining understanding.  I then, can give helpful hints.  For instance, they might think that my son doesn't need a break after lunch, because lunch is a break, but that he needs it right before math.  I can then explain that they will get the best work out of my son if they will give him a break directly after he has been in any activity that has a large crowd, or is excessively noisy.  The break seems needed between story time & math, because he is still overstimulated from lunch. Don't be afraid to give input.   When you set your year up to be part of a team that is working hard for your child - everyone wins!  I haven't met the teacher that didn't appreciate the help, and end up keeping open communication lines as things change over the course of the school year. Many books and special needs parents will tell you to be your child's advocate, and I agree.  I would caution you that because of some of their past experiences, they will give you the idea that you must begin on the defense.  I would personally stress the importance of building a good team for your child.  I think you will find the need to defend your child greatly diminishes when you work well with those educating him.  Having said all of that, I would also recommend that you know your child's rights. If ever he is not receiving what he should, you should be aware of what your school board, and state have to say about it.  So, that's that. 

They had just completed DIBELS (Dynamic Indicators of Basic Early Literacy Skills) testing before I came.  I kind of get this sick to my stomach feeling every time the school wants to tell me about his test scores. 

 It's not that I'm not used to hearing that my son is not up to grade level.  It's just that it brings up so many questions in my mind.  What else can I do to help him?  How is he ever going to make it through Middle School & High School if he can't read on grade level?  Will he really earn a diploma?  What is his future going to look like?  My list of questions can sometimes seem unending.  I have to remind myself that I trust God.  I trust Him even though I can't understand why any child is born on the spectrum of a disorder that can't be defined.  Because, He is still good, and He is still faithful.  He's been there every step of this process, and I cannot imagine what it would be like to try to walk this path without Him. The same God that was with me on my knees holding my toddler who was completely melting down trying to beat his head on the floor because he could not speak or look me in my eye is still with me now.  He has brought our son so far and taught me so much during the process. 

They proceed to tell me that my son has tested just under grade level for reading.  I'm immediately overwhelmed and praising God, but it doesn't stop there.  They continue to tell me that they found that when they read to him, his comprehension level is a that of a child in a grade above him. I couldn't hold it in any more.  With tears streaming down my face, I placed both of my hands on the table, and asked to share with them why this good news was so overwhelming.

Before I go any further, let me just say that I don't know what the diagnosis process is like for most families.  For us, it was devastatingly difficult.  We were never given answers.  We left Kennedy Krieger Institute knowing that he fell on the autism spectrum, but that they had no idea what that would mean for him as he grew.  They prepared us for the reality that he could regress.  The way they explained it to us at the time, was that he could go to bed potty trained, and wake up and have completely lost the skill.  He could go to bed saying "goodnight', and wake up one day and never speak again.  What do you do with that?  I'd like to tell you that I had the perfect reaction, but it's just not true.  

For a long time, I was angry.  I allowed bitterness to grip my heart. I questioned God not only daily, but minute by minute.  I lived in fear of what could be.  I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me in the days and weeks that followed so clearly.  "You say you believe, but will you trust?  You say you love, but will you follow?  If your son forgets everything, and never matures into a self sufficient adult, will you still say that I'm good?  Those were hard questions for me at the time.  I'd like to say that I could honestly answer all of them correctly, but I couldn't.  Not in the secret places of my heart.  Thankfully, our Heavenly Father continued to draw me to Him in those times.  He has proven to me over and over again that He is good.  How could I not trust Him?  The moment I decided to place my trust in Jesus not only as my Savior, but as my God who would walk with me through these times, I found peace.

Since those days, so much has changed.  Our son never regressed.  He exceeds expectations in many ways.  We still have many things to work on - social skills is at the top of that list. Through testing and time we have been able to learn so much about our boy. 

 He is not defined by the word autism.  He is defined by what God says about him.  He is loved and cherished.  He was thought of by a loving God long before I ever heard his little heartbeat.  That is what I shared with his teachers.  This moment, was a God moment.  This was God reminding me that He is in control.  That all the testing in the world cannot define our son.  He will be what God says He will be.  Then I shared with them that I realize that God uses people.  He has used some brilliant doctors, therapists, church leaders, volunteers, and teachers to work with our son to bring about great progress.  I am so thankful for these people.  They have each played a roll in his success.  Then I promised to pray for them as God uses them in our son's life this year.  I promised to work with them and support them, and not against them.  It was a wonderful meeting.  

If I had to be honest, I would have to say that I absolutely hate autism.  I hate that you can't see what's wrong when you look at his little face.  I know how horrible that sounds.  I know that there are families dealing with things so much worse than this. They would give anything to only deal with this, but this is where my heart is right now.  There are still moments where I grieve what "could have been."  I get distracted, and quite honestly, deeply hurt by people's lack of understanding, lack of compassion, judgmental glances and comments as I try to parent our son. See with autism, looks can be deceiving, but judgments are often made after a glance.  I still battle with it.  

Like so many other things in my life, it all boils down to this:  Do I trust God?  Will I leave my son in His hands?  Will I allow His voice to to drown out all others?  Will I follow Him even in this?    

I make so many mistakes, and there is so much about this life that I don't understand, but I am purposing in my heart to follow Him.  To seek Him always - even when it's hard.  To truly trust.   How about you?

Learning to Listen

Something happened today...

I was reminded that just because what I'm trying to do is good, doesn't mean it's the best thing.  That my plans of seeking to follow Jesus don't always line up with what He is asking or calling me to.   That listening is a skill I need to work on.

Have you been there?  You are just waiting for God to give you the perfect moment to share your testimony, or tell someone just how awesome having a relationship with Jesus truly is.  You are not only willing, but looking for that chance throughout your day.  When you hear it.  That still small voice that says something different from what you have been waiting on.  "Listen to your sister & pray for her."  Say what, now?

It's not out of the norm for me to feel the need to pray for people. I wake up sometimes knowing that I need to pray specifically for people, but not now.  Not in the daylight.  And, not when you are busy trying to find that person who doesn't know Jesus to talk with.

Then I start the argument for why this isn't what I'm supposed to do.  This sister isn't here for that.  She is probably rushing to get things done on a schedule as tight as my own.  Then for the first time after seeing her, I really saw her.  This beautiful woman trying to keep a smile on her face, while carrying a heavy load.

Then it happens.  In the strangest of circumstances that only God could have orchestrated, you are able to be a listening ear.  To speak what seems like nothing to you, but seems like a message from God that she has been waiting on to help encourage her on her journey.  A God Moment.  Her smile goes from forced to lighting up her face and she says, "You're an angel." I chuckle at the thought of anyone seeing me as an angel, but I just tell her that "I'm glad I was here with you today."

We exchanged pleasantries, and I assured her that I would be praying for her.  As I watched her walk away, two thoughts captured my mind.

First, while she was thinking I was her "angel" that God had sent with a message, I realized how absolutely close I came to not speaking that Word to her at all. I'm no angel.  I'm often self-absorbed and consumed by my own plans.  How many times have I missed these moments in the past simply because I was too busy to listen?  Second, God used a lesson for me to encourage my sister.  Awesome.

Impossible to Describe...

This blog is going to be impossible to describe with just one word.  There is not just one subject that I will cover.  Within these posts you will see the ups and downs of having a child with autism, the crazy schedule we try our best to keep up with, the joys of living with a pre-teen, everyday God moments, and probably so much more.

This is not my first blog.  I discontinued my previous blog some time ago.  It's original intent was to let friends and family keep up with the day in and day out adventures in being an Autism Mom. I wanted to raise awareness & hopefully give some hope to families who are just learning that their little one has autism.  It had to come to end though.  It just didn't feel completely honest, or authentic. I think that's because there's just so much more to the story.  If you followed it - don't feel cheated.  All of the posts were true.  I just feel the need to tell more of the story.  

What part of the story was missing?  The part where the story was no longer about us, or autism.  It was about a loving God who has kept us throughout our lives.